I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you told grandpa to call you daddy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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