I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
