He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
