the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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