I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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