If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
