I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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