he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
this will be a night to untag.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
