I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
