Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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