Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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