I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
