I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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