I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
