my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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