i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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