she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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