I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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