i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
