He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
