i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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