I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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