i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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