the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
