Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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