this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
