I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
As shirtless as possible
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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