how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
