Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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