There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
