Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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