Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
