I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
