I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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