i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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