Got a toothbrush?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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