I'm gonna have a badass scar
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
