i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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