So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
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my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
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I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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