I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
