1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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