I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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