My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
