the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
