apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
