I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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