found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
