...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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