yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
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does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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