THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.