You can't motorboat a personality
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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