your parents love me but you hate me
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
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Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.