I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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