I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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