Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
