As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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