i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He told me they were just razor bumps!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
