she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
