I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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