please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I deserve this hangover.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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