you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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