I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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