I haven't been this sober since birth.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
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Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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