12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize