Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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